Citing the proliferation of winter season festivals in recent decades, and a consistent erosion in holiday market share, Christmas acknowledged today that a decision has been made to reschedule the December 25th celebration.
“We thought we could hold out, but the non-aggression treaty between Solstice and Kwanzaa meant that we were now effectively surrounded.”
Kwanzaa’s surprisingly successful acquisition of the strip of territory between Dec 26th and New Year’s, spurred Solstice into action. “We’ve been asserting for decades that Christmas had appropriated most of our traditions. The response has been universal ridicule, they call us ‘whiners’ and 'freaky pagans.' But the fact is, we were pre-empted.” Claiming Christmas had unfairly inserted itself into the exclusive late-December time-slot, Solstice added, “It was like being outbid on The Price is Right.”
Frustrated, and failing to gain traction, Solstice reportedly approached Kwanzaa with a 365-page proposal. The initial meeting between the two however, did not fare well.
Solstice apparently arrived at the Kwanzaa residence dressed in a traditional white “cloak” with a pointy hood,
accompanied by several similarly attired aides. Chanting and raising their arms in the air, they started demonstrating their traditions on the front lawn, dancing in circles around a tall, wooden, crossed sculpture they had set ablaze. Alarmed, Kwanza would not let them in the house. "They said, 'It's burning, man!' I said, 'I can see that and I'd prefer not to be," related Kwanzaa, adding, "When they started something they called a 'drum circle,' I was forced to insist they withdraw."
Despite these initial setbacks, the two holidays soon found common ground, recognizing the mutual gains that could be garnered, and a new alliance was forged. Both parties we required to make concessions before a treaty could be signed. “It's important that we get two to three days on either side of the 21st just in case it falls on a Wednesday and people can't get off from work” explained Solstice. Additionally, Solstice insisted that it’s new ally abandon “that ridiculous double aa at the end of its name.”
To secure the deal, Solstice has agreed to refrain from the use of rainsticks, as well as references to Elves, Stonehenge or “any of that New Age crap” at events jointly organized by the two groups. Newly re-named 'Kwanza,' will also enjoy protection from any new or non-aligned holidays like Festivus or Hanukkah, which could potentially be drafted into a pact with Christmas.
“We view that as an unlikely eventuality,” Christmas noted. “Hanukkah is not even of one mind with regards to how to spell its name, let alone when the damn thing takes place.” 
Christmas noted that it has developed a strong distaste for any holidays that have appropriated its tradition of gift-giving, specifically those that extend it over a period of eight days. With regard to Festivus, Christmas remarked that it did not anticipate the tradition of the "Festivus Pole" catching on with any significant portion of the market, insisting, "We would be better suited to align ourselves with the Pastafarians!”
Given the lack of potential new allies and an ongoing secessionist threat from the Yule constituency, Christmas opted to act boldly by moving the holiday to August. “Consider the crowded winter season. There is Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Martin Luther King, Groundhog’s, Valentine’s, President’s… it’s an over-saturated market. Our numbers indicate summer is the best option.” Claiming that there is not a single holiday of note in August, or even most of July, Christmas explained, “We’ll be free and clear, with room to grow.”
Asked if revelers would be upset by this apparently arbitrary re-assignment of the birth of Jesus, Christmas insisted, “Nonsense, it would be imprudent for us to deny the well established fact that we made up the date in the first place. It is of no consequence.”
Insistent that summer placement could be successfully marketed given that Bethlehem “was in the desert,” Christmas predicted that "sand and sun will win out over snow and evergreens," continuing, "Imagine the infinite possibilities! We're confident our carolers are grateful to be relieved of songs about dreary and cold winter weather, reindeer, sleigh bells, and an overweight jolly fellow sliding down chimneys. Chimney ownership has long been in decline anyway.”
Confident about the potential for new approaches to pitching the holiday, Christmas remarked, “You’ve heard of Jesus sandals? We intend to develop a full range of Jesus flip-flops. Perhaps the manger was built alongside a sand castle, I don’t know, that’s for the marketing people to figure out.” Acknowledging this short-term defeat, Christmas insisted it still reigns supreme in the holiday market insisting that the calendar is still defined by the birth of Christ. “That’s right, the year is 2009, AD, which means ‘after death,’ the death of Jesus…no wait, ...well, whatever.”
When asked about the recent introduction of the term “Common Era,” which has begun to replace “AD” in common usage, Christmas had no comment. “That’s how you can tell we’ve got them on the run,” boasted Solstice, "Christmas is going to see their stockings filled with coal! That's a fossil fuel, which comes from dinosaurs. Dinosaurs, ha! Check and mate."
Citing the proliferation of winter season festivals in recent decades, and a consistent erosion in holiday market share, Christmas acknowledged today that a decision has been made to reschedule the December 25th celebration.
“We thought we could hold out, but the non-aggression treaty between Solstice and Kwanzaa meant that we were now effectively surrounded.”
Kwanzaa’s surprisingly successful acquisition of the strip of territory between Dec 26th and New Year’s, spurred Solstice into action. “We’ve been asserting for decades that Christmas had appropriated most of our traditions. The response has been universal ridicule, they call us ‘whiners’ and 'freaky pagans.' But the fact is, we were pre-empted.” Claiming Christmas had unfairly inserted itself into the exclusive late-December time-slot, Solstice added, “It was like being outbid on The Price is Right.”
Frustrated, and failing to gain traction, Solstice reportedly approached Kwanzaa with a 365-page proposal. The initial meeting between the two however, did not fare well.
Solstice apparently arrived at the Kwanzaa residence dressed in a traditional white “cloak” with a pointy hood,
accompanied by several similarly attired aides. Chanting and raising their arms in the air, they started demonstrating their traditions on the front lawn, dancing in circles around a tall, wooden, crossed sculpture they had set ablaze. Alarmed, Kwanza would not let them in the house. "They said, 'It's burning, man!' I said, 'I can see that and I'd prefer not to be," related Kwanzaa, adding, "When they started something they called a 'drum circle,' I was forced to insist they withdraw."
Despite these initial setbacks, the two holidays soon found common ground, recognizing the mutual gains that could be garnered, and a new alliance was forged. Both parties we required to make concessions before a treaty could be signed. “It's important that we get two to three days on either side of the 21st just in case it falls on a Wednesday and people can't get off from work” explained Solstice. Additionally, Solstice insisted that it’s new ally abandon “that ridiculous double aa at the end of its name.”
To secure the deal, Solstice has agreed to refrain from the use of rainsticks, as well as references to Elves, Stonehenge or “any of that New Age crap” at events jointly organized by the two groups. Newly re-named 'Kwanza,' will also enjoy protection from any new or non-aligned holidays like Festivus or Hanukkah, which could potentially be drafted into a pact with Christmas.
“We view that as an unlikely eventuality,” Christmas noted. “Hanukkah is not even of one mind with regards to how to spell its name, let alone when the damn thing takes place.” 
Christmas noted that it has developed a strong distaste for any holidays that have appropriated its tradition of gift-giving, specifically those that extend it over a period of eight days. With regard to Festivus, Christmas remarked that it did not anticipate the tradition of the "Festivus Pole" catching on with any significant portion of the market, insisting, "We would be better suited to align ourselves with the Pastafarians!”
Given the lack of potential new allies and an ongoing secessionist threat from the Yule constituency, Christmas opted to act boldly by moving the holiday to August. “Consider the crowded winter season. There is Thanksgiving, New Year’s, Martin Luther King, Groundhog’s, Valentine’s, President’s… it’s an over-saturated market. Our numbers indicate summer is the best option.” Claiming that there is not a single holiday of note in August, or even most of July, Christmas explained, “We’ll be free and clear, with room to grow.”
Asked if revelers would be upset by this apparently arbitrary re-assignment of the birth of Jesus, Christmas insisted, “Nonsense, it would be imprudent for us to deny the well established fact that we made up the date in the first place. It is of no consequence.”
Insistent that summer placement could be successfully marketed given that Bethlehem “was in the desert,” Christmas predicted that "sand and sun will win out over snow and evergreens," continuing, "Imagine the infinite possibilities! We're confident our carolers are grateful to be relieved of songs about dreary and cold winter weather, reindeer, sleigh bells, and an overweight jolly fellow sliding down chimneys. Chimney ownership has long been in decline anyway.”
Confident about the potential for new approaches to pitching the holiday, Christmas remarked, “You’ve heard of Jesus sandals? We intend to develop a full range of Jesus flip-flops. Perhaps the manger was built alongside a sand castle, I don’t know, that’s for the marketing people to figure out.” Acknowledging this short-term defeat, Christmas insisted it still reigns supreme in the holiday market insisting that the calendar is still defined by the birth of Christ. “That’s right, the year is 2009, AD, which means ‘after death,’ the death of Jesus…no wait, ...well, whatever.”
When asked about the recent introduction of the term “Common Era,” which has begun to replace “AD” in common usage, Christmas had no comment. “That’s how you can tell we’ve got them on the run,” boasted Solstice, "Christmas is going to see their stockings filled with coal! That's a fossil fuel, which comes from dinosaurs. Dinosaurs, ha! Check and mate."
